A little bit about me as a leader

[Claquesous]

I have a feeling this may get long so feel free to cuddle up with your binky or a nice cup of "coffie."

Lately things have been going pretty well for me. I got 75 on Montparnasse and finally got sky on both Claq and Mont. A bunch of RMT got kicked which allowed me to make money off my favourite money making source again for the first time in at least six months. I've also opened up the possibility of making money off KS mercing which is mega fun and also profitable. How can you beat that? I've been saving up for an eventual run on my third 75 job. If you can't guess what that is by now, you're probably not paying much attention.

In real life, I've finally been feeling like I found a balance and I haven't compromised that for the game. I have restarted swimming which I had gradually quit doing after I started playing. My job hasn't been particularly fulfilling, but recently the possibility of getting my dream job has opened up. My overall feeling of happiness and wellness has also been improved due to some reading I've done and a book on tape a friend gave me. To top it all off my two best friends called out of the blue today and yesterday.

However, these new found opportunities in the game and activities in real life have brough a modicum of stress. I now have two days a week of sky and two days when I go swimming on top of the two previous days when I had time constraints. This has worried me because I haven't had as much time for you guys. However, in the past couple weeks we were able to get sky together as a linkshell albeit with a couple desired members missing. I was also able to finally get Elrick his O-Hat even though that was more thanks to Tehya. As a linkshell we've killed a couple 2-3 dragons and have an airship run scheduled. All in all, I've been very happy lately. Until tonight...

I started the night with the goal of reaching rank 8 on Montparnasse since Windurst is in first this week for the first time in many weeks. I was greatly disappointed because I was neither able to solo it or even duo it with a 75 WAR. This disappointment would've generally passed before long if it weren't followed by a linkshell "incident".

Suranx came on and complained about not having gotten his THF AF feet yet. As a little background, I had agreed to help him with this a few Saturdays ago but for one reason or another I missed it. I dropped the ball, and I tried to apologize but when Suranx came on tonight he seemed intent on rubbing in the fact that I had screwed up and bringing everyone else down for my mistake. He was making the common mistake of asking for help without setting a specific time and date. He came across as whiney and accusatory. From talking to him afterwards, I know this wasn't his true intent and he did have an important message to make, but he just went about it in the wrong way. I tutored him a little afterwards about tact, and trying to keep a positive attitude.

However, Suranx eventually made his point known to me and it threw me for a loop. He claimed that he wasn't happy and named two other people who felt the same way. I was very angered by this and told him matter of factly that if that was the case, they would've told me and I wouldn't have to hear it through him. Unfortunately, I was wrong. One of them I had known was upset, but I thought it had blown over and he as ok. I've been trying to gauge his feelings lately, but everytime I try to talk to him he's been afk or ignoring me. I've sent him a message now. The other person took my completely by surprise.

This other person was upset, and had even gone so far as to quit the linkshell and join another. I was completely oblivious and honestly heartbroken. This person who's outer beauty, as can be seen on this website, can only be eclipsed by her inner beauty that shines true on the shell is one of the joys of our shell and the unfortunate butt of many jokes. She is also very close with my best friend in the game so I had always figured if she weren't happy I'd have heard it through him. However, my new activities and his new job seem to have caused a complete misfit between our respective playing schedules so even we haven't been able to communicate much.

Now, if Kaelsam is reading this he's surely saying, "Enough melodrama claq. What's your point?" My point is that I can't do this alone. Piraya used to be clear about saying that he wasn't the leader, he just happened to be the guy holding the linkshell. I want to make it clear that I feel the same way. One of Piraya's leadership qualities that I sorely lack was that he had the ability to sense frustration and whenever he saw that, he would say, "I love you guys." Again I can't express enough how strongly I share his sentiments, but I'm too reserved to express them as he did.

In conclusion, I consider everyone who has a pearlsack to be an equal leader in the shell. I probably put more pressure on myself than anyone else to keep everyone happy, but I need the other sackholders to pick up the slack where I fall short. Suranx identified a flaw in my leadership, and I've acted upon it and also turned it around and encouraged him to learn from the experience as well. I've also spoken with a member who previously left and thankfully has come back to let him know how hurt I was when he left and how I felt he had shirked his leadership responsibilities by not making his feelings clear. This website is still here for anyone that wants to use it, and I do literally still check it every five minutes. I'm amazed that I missed out on the fact that not everyone is getting the help they needed, but I know for a fact that they weren't communicating those needs here. If you ever feel upset, I encourage you to use this as a sounding board like I have.

Terseness may be admirable, but it's also not one of my strengths. Thank you, good night, and may Altana bless Bastok.

[Estarie]

.... I'm not Sure what to say here .. I just know I should Say something... I'm Not good At expressing myself or my feelings .. unless it's to threaten to kill someone or my Biter Bitchy Side.

I guess I should Explain what and why Things happened, and maybe from there ... we can move forward to a solution. I am naturaly very Dedicated, and by that I mean when I find something I like ... a place to sit and have Coffee, or have a few drinks .. or a store that somehow Impressed me ... I stay very loyal, It's the first place I go, it's where I find comfort. In saying that, Wandering became that sence of comfort to me ... I may have joined Because of Aelf ... but I didn't stay because of him. I stayed because of the people ... and thouse people's willingness to help one another ... no matter what the task was ... I watched as people droped what they were doing to come to someone's Aid ... and from thouse Actions I was impressed. Yes, life is simple and easy when things were planed ... but lets be honest here .. name one time Claq, that you were ever on time for anything j/k lol ...

Two memorys ring true in my mind, and i will share them with you.

Memory one:
Promy's Holla, Mea and Dem, and all the missions there after .. up to where I still am now, lol
I remember finaly being a high enough Lvl to go with the LS on stuff, I remember the Joy I felt to actuly "BE" a part of the LS .. not just a voice in the chat. I also remember sitting in Lower Jeuno for 2 1/2 hours while Claq Synthed and Muled .. and Synthed and muled, lol I remember everyone hurrying around trying to get ready .. and I just sat there ... and injoyed just being there (since as usual i was ready 3 hours in advance) lol. I also remember how these missions brough us all closer as a shell.

Memory two:
Tehya and Pir's wedding
This is my most Favorite memory, the better part of the entire shell ... all gather in upper Jeuno ... laughing .. joking ... being a family. I remember how frantic i was to lvl my WAR to 40 so i could wear something nice .... and when the time came ... didn't have enough money to buy a Flower for my hair ... I was so asamed i couldn't look more presentable ... i was wearing Breastplate armour ... with bits of Iron musketeer set ... I looked only a little less homeless than a lvl 50 SMN in Austeers wear. And I remember the Shell pooling a little money and Lydric and Mike buying me a purple flower for me to wear ... and if anyone has ever seen my WAR or my SMN they would see that Flower never leaves my head (unless in a party or doing misison's). That Flower holds a years worth of memorys of this shell.

Both of these memorys have been the driving force behind everything I am and Do in this Shell, no matter how hard things got .. no matter what fires needed to be put out these memorys keeps my love for this shell alive. But ... things have changed .... were not the Happy family we used to be, we stoped supporting one another ... we stoped thinking of eachother .. and thought only of ourselves. our independence grew .. and we no longer needed one another ... and maybe ... I am in part to blame .... after pir left .. I took a break .... and seph left ... and Lydric left, suran grew apart .. and now Kaels not around as much ... all these people were the ones I looked up to .. the ones i strived to be more like .. (well Kael?? not so much j/k) these were the people that came and rescued me everytime i went out on my own to do the impossible ... these people came to help back onto my feet .... so I made a promiss to myself to try and pick up where they left off .. I lvled SMN, for promys and BCNM's I worked at my WAR ... so i could help solo some stuff for people ... I droped partys, plans and my goals to do these things .. casue thats what they did for me. but I feel behind ... and I had stuff I despritly needed to do to continue ..... and I asked for help, and my plea's went mostly unanswered .... I mentioned daily what things I needed ... no offers .. I'm not one that asks for help ... I never have been ... I will never Ask anyone to help me .. not directly .. maybe thats a flaw on my behalf .. but I value Aid offered .. more than Aid givin that I had to ask for. to offer your help without being asked tells me that you really "Want" to help. ... not that you just didn't want to say no.

The Reason I haven't been on Wandering souls, has a little to do with me trying to get caught up in game. and mostly becuase my heart was broken by this shell. Four times I was promissed my Carby mitts .... and Four Time's I got stood up, Four times I listend to excusses of "Salvage" "Sky" "Assult", and hearing "Next week for sure" ..... "This sunday were going" ... and everytime I logged in for it .... nothing. that was the first big thing ... next was the night of ZM missions to unlock sky ... and b4 i go into this i am going to say .. I don't care about Sky ... I have too much other stuff to do, to worry about Sky .... I can't even get my War passed lvl 70 because of all the things i need done. I am not and was not mad you guyz went without me, I am however .. a little Miffed at the fact that I felt like i was being called a Lier for saying i knew noting about it. I didn't know about it ... no one took the time to ask me directly if i needed and or wanted to go ... everyone just assumed i was. the last few months ... i've felt more ignored than ever in this shell ... kinda invisible ... and after hearing what was said and the assumptions made that night .. only made me feel worse. If I don't answer, if i don't comment ... don't assume i saw what you said .. i'll let you all in on a tid-bit of info .. you guys aren't the only people in this game i talk to ... from when i log in to when i log off i have at least three people /telling me, I have the Ls Chat going .. I mostly always have a party, and if not i'm /saying to someone in town that i bumped into. my chat screen goes a mile a min. and twice as fast in party. if you don't get a responce ... try again ... ask .. conferm i saw what your wrote. is you want me to be involved ... ASK!! don't assume just cause I'm there i'm watching.

To end this long rant, I will say this ... I love all of you in this shell. and the hardest thing I've ever done in this game was to put the sack in my MH. But I had to, for myself ... I had to. Becuase i would have kept going on helping you all .. and getting nowhere myself ... and not one of you would have known .. becuase no one ever asked. I do miss you all ... and I never quit this shell. I still have and always will have the pearl for this shell. But I'm not ready to come back ... I'm still very hurt. and to know that people didn't even notice I was gone ... doesn't make me want to rush back. I'm not Mad at anyone, this isn't a this person did .. or because of you thing. this is the shell itself lost it's way ... you all lost what it ment to be a Wandering Soul. the only person still being one .... is Aelf .... I don't think you all see how much Aelf does for this shell and the stress he puts on himself becuase of it. Aelf is the one everyone runs to with there problems .... everyone in this shell vents to him ... have any of you ever had to listen to him vent? .... no you haven't. Because he doesn't. Aelf Loops the intire world to Raise, PL, deliver food ... go on missions. has anyone ... anyone at all thanked him, from the heart said ... "Aelf, Your fucking awsome for doing what you do for this shell" ... I know none of you have ... i know this casue I'm nosie and read his screen all the time.

I will and have been on this site everyday, if you have something to say to me say it here or look me up ingame ... like i said i'm not mad at anyone ... just heart broken. you all need to remember what it was to be a Wandering soul ... the name in itself says what it means to me. "we were all, Alone in the darkness. but found eachother and united in that darkness" we were all just wandering souls .. looking for a place to call home ... but this isn't home anymore.

[Claquesous]

Estarie, I have a little secret I want to let you in on. You were the beautiful girl I was talking about in my post, and that beauty shone through in your response. You poured out your heart and mixed in your humour, and I dare say you may have even run the whole thing through spell check.

I will remind you that the beginning of the mess began after a small linkshell event. A bunch of us got together to get our Caedarva Mire maps. I felt this minor event was a sign that all was well. Afterwards, I proposed we do sky. I was very careful to confirm that everyone had heard me and was agreeable with the proposal. I'm confident that what happened was that the response that I took for confirmation from you was either a mistell or a response to someone else's question, or perhaps even just a signal that I now had your attention when I previously did not. When the day came to go do the missions, I was upset because a) Estarie, a favourite member of the shell wouldn't be coming, and b) without you I wasn't sure we'd have enough people. As it turned out we were lucky that we ended up partying with someone who knew someone else who needed it and could fill your spot. I really enjoy these missions and I was very happy to do them together. I'd be glad to do them again, but I don't really want to have to deal with the stress of arranging for six people who's schedules all conflict to all be in the same spot at the same time for three hours.

I'm not sure if you should be comforted by the fact that I was completely oblivious of your needs. As I said, I haven't been around quite as much and I've been pretty busy while I have been around. I want everyone to be happy and I see it as a personal failure when someone isn't, but I am not omniscient. If someone doesn't feel like they're getting the help they need, they need to let someone know. If that person can't help, they should let others know. I don't feel I have to be the others every time even though I wish I could be.

I can't undo the mistakes I've made. All I can do is express how I truly feel and ask for help moving forward.

[Estarie]

Lol, i'm looking at both our posts ... and you could sware .. we both wrote a Novel. anyway ... Leadership is a bitch ... really it is .. there in no winning .. and theres no satisfying everyone. I know this .. long Before FF I was leaders in all kinds of groups in MMO's and in aspects of my real life. Leaders are only as good as the people they lead, and the people that help them lead. and truth is fingers can always be pointed and blame can always be taken ... I think this Shell .. as a whole .. needs to do some Soul Searching (no pun intended). Find out what makes us .... us. and what we hope to be. I am caught in a very tough cross roads right now. and I have a dissision to make .... Am I going to Be a Wandering Soul ... or a FallenAngel .. it's become the toughest dissision I've had to face in game. No matter what my dissision is .. i'll still be on here (as long as thats ok with you guyz) and I'll still help where I can .. most of you are on my F-list and know how to reach me. I will try and come to this dissision soon. and Claq .. just know .. Angeliz plans on fighting you for me, lol j/k ... come to think of it ... that would be an interesting fight .... 75 WHM v.s. 75 THF lol

[Suranx]

well said claq and esty. i'm glad that we have gotton this straghtened out some and are heading in the right direction again. its a start and we still have lots to do. i'm very pleased to see esty is back. my ranting last night was not intended to piss off anyone, i knew what i was saying would not be taken serious at first. anyways, my purpose for the "ranting" i gave was showing how much i care for the ls and the people on it. people misunderstand me or my intentions at times. i apologize for how i expressed my thoughts on ls issues.

[Aelfwise]

First off, I'd like to say thank you to Esty for the kind words she used for me (minus the expletives hehe) but before I start typing I will show you what a "novel' looks like...I have a tendency to write ALOT lol

Secondly, I'd like to comment regarding the situation that is at hand. We all know there are up and downs in people's life. Lifestyles change to reflect a change in occupation, sleeping patterns, etc. This is all to be expected and to think that someone having to deal with alot of issues simultaneously is capable of juggling everything is rather shortsighted. On the other side of the coin, however, is the problem of others not being given forwarning regarding what another is experiencing. I will admit that I have had to deal with this last issue quite a bit recently, since several people expected me to be available to do things that I just can't anymore (or at least alot less frequently than I used to). This has trickled down to affecting some of the other members of the LS considering I would generally help whenever I was capable of doing so.

For alot of people, this has led to a fractured perspective on the state of the LS. There is still help being rendered, just not in the multitudes that had preceded it. It is hard to plan something when, as Claq said, many are having to juggle their time in order to just get online. Forget doing anything "productive" while being online, there are many nights where I am online for 30 or 45 minutes and I'm asked for help with whatever, asked to just teleport people, farm, yadda yadda. Given enough time I'd have no qualms with doing any and all of those things, but when time is short it just isn't possible for me. Maybe my inability to be on as much and assist has left a small vacuum, I don't know. All I can say is that I know what it feels like to be wanting to do something only to have it put off or bumped or hurdled by something viewed as being more important by others. This is how leadership works, trying to address the needs of many while only pleasing a few at a time and hoping you wont get crucified for not being able to make the others happy at the same time.

Then there's the problem of Endgame activities. Claq is finding out how difficult it is to be a member of a "mature" social LS that has alot of needs requiring higher level assistance and also a member of an Endgame shell that demands alot of time investment. No longer can you just pop online and do whatever you want each day of the week, you have a shedule you must adhere to. Attendance at Endgame events is very important and if everyone decided that they didn't apply to attendance rules then the LS would get nowhere. I find myself getting caught up in this same type of thing, trying to juggle my time between endgame, wandering souls, friends in and outside of wandering souls, and lastly myself...all within the confines of 3 nights a week on average. It gets very mentally and physically tiring trying to keep a tally on what can be done and when. Being "badgered" about doing something not already on my "To-Do" list can sometimes get me to incorporate it, but on many occassions I will finally just say I can't do it. Sometimes my refusal to do something is taken respectfully, other times it is not. I try to be as fair as I can, not picking favorites among new people in the LS etc., but being human I tend to gravitate towards some people more than others. Usually those are people I've known for longer and have helped me alot in the past as well.

FFXI is a time investment, and if you want to get anything out of it you need to put in the time. People you meet are doing the same thing, they're putting in time and effort in able to better themselves while sometimes having common goals as yourself. Relationships form and groups work to assist others, but at the end of the day if you're not happy with what you've accomplished then why bother doing it? I enjoy helping people, always have. There are occassions where helping seems to hinder some people's growth as an individual, but in general helping each other is a good thing. For me, I will never stop helping others, it's just something I do. Burnout is a factor, though, and after a while of giving and giving and not being able to relax to recharge it gets to be too much. Others need to recognize this and step in, because more often than not the one that is burnt out wont admit to others how they're feeling until it's too late and they're incapable of reversing until it's too late. I've been that person before, and am trying to avoid being it again. It's time for other people to try and pick up the slack instead of just asking for the same few people all the time. New leaders need to be nurtured and inspired, not only by the people already in a position of leadership but by the ones that are up and coming.

Many hands make the load lighter, I hope people can remember that and put it into good practice.

[Mayous]

Well I'm not sure excalty how much I get done for me. I try and give everything to the ls that I can, because I want to do things with you guys. Now that I'm 75 I try and do things for the ls, but to be truthful, I got a little bit of help along the way but this ls didnt help me a great deal. Some will look at this and say I cant believe he said that and others will say I wonder why he feels that way? Well alot of times I say things and get no replies, it would seem as tho people only do things when they themselves need it. I had to go to outside people to help me, and to tell you the honest to gods truth you people are about the only people I know. or really cared to know. So, yea I get a little upset at times, but I always stayed here. I wanted to try and spark to life some team work and unite the ls, and thats what I've been trying to do in the last few weeks by helping anyone and everyone on the ls as much as possible and back seating my life on FFXI. I know that there is so many good people in this ls and I believe in everyone of you guys and girls. I've partied with most all of you guys and for those I havent yet partied with I'm sure there will be a time in the future. Some people need to read this last part and know that I'm talking about them when I say this. "Do something for someone else no matter if it gets you something or not, because there comes a time that you'll be all alone in your wealth"