Wandering Soulz

Selfless Heart

Suicide
It starts at the vein
Hardly close to this heart
The blade is unsheathed
A life falls apart.

This cowardice action
A solution to pain
My sorrow and anger
Flow out of this vein.

For my heart keeps on beating
My pulse slowly fleeting
My arm slowly numbs
As judgement day comes.

Struggling
One last hope
One last kiss
Love surges within.

My mind becomes clear
It was reality I fear
Crimson still flows
My life slowly goes
Never to know this unselfish heart.


Sorry, this is kinda rough but I like the substance of it for the most part.

I like it. The hidden message isn't so hidden is it? I wonder if a little restructuring could make the message a little more logical? Like maybe if each stanza started with a word from the hidden message? I'm not sure that would be possible though. Otherwise, I think it's pretty good. If it's a rough draft, I'd say it's pretty close to what I'd call a final draft.

Yep, well structured. I dont know if I'd put the words at the start Claq, that's far too common a technique which, in my mind, has been exhausted. Regardless, very nice work. I'll have to dredge up some of my old stuff sometime if i can find it in my archives lol.

Its hidden in a way as its not word for word there for you. You need to take each bold word and place it in order to see it. I was thinking of that method you spoke of or simply using letters but the letters proved difficult with as short a poem as this is and unless I wanted to change the poem entirely to make the words at the start I was left with this way. Plus this way makes the person read each line rather than just the first word in each line to get the message.